i have a fear

i have a fear. i didn't really realize it is a fear until today when i was watching oprah. i wasn't going to watch today's episode because it wasn't really about anything relevant to me, but i couldn't find anything else on tv, so i kept it on oprah. i know i have always thought about what she was talking about, but i don't think i was ever conscious of how much it actually affects me. but then her guest said a statistic that made me realize how much i pay attention to it. her guest said, "over 60% of americans are overweight." and that's when i realized that i have a fear of being fat.

60%, more than half, of americans - overweight. that is crazy. weight and obesity and anorexia are a part of society. every day it seems like there is an article in the news about it. and i always hear people i know talking about being on a diet or wanting to lose weight. it's hard to not think about weight. it's just a part of life in this country. and i think it's affected me more than i thought.

i am not overweight and i never have been, if anything i've probably always been a little underweight. and i'm not anorexic - i eat, just not a lot. i think weight has a lot to do with heredity. my mom's in pretty good shape for her age. and i share clothes with my younger sister, so we're both about the same. my grandmother was always pretty thin and had a major sweet tooth, which is what i have, so i think i take after her.

growing up, i remember that my mom always bought the low fat version of snacks - low fat cookies, low fat peanut butter, etc. and she cooked most nights, so we rarely went out to eat. we would occassionaly get pizza, but never got fast food from kfc, burger king, mcdonald's, etc. also growing up, i always participated in sports. i am not an athlete and hate running. i played sports because it was just the thing to do. so i guess i had a healthy start.

in college, i was constrained to the food of the dining hall, which i didn't like. i was also in a bad relationship for a year and i'm the type of person who can't eat when i'm nervous or upset, so between the bad relationship and the bad dining hall food, i didn't eat too much. i was also stressed out a lot, so i would burn off my energy in the gym. and i didn't gain the freshman 15, which i think is mostly attributed to drinking beer and eating pizza late at night, which i didn't do much of.

and now that i am living on my own and getting older (my birthday is in a couple months - yikes!), i'm paying more attention to my weight. i'm kind of obsessed with eating healthy. if i eat too much or eat fast food, which i haven't done for years, i feel sick. i usually eat 6 small meals a day and i like having a big lunch and a small dinner like they do in europe. i also live by myself and don't really have a kitchen, so i have little motivation to cook. i don't eat enough vegetables or fruit and i'm really picky about meat, so i don't get enough protein, so i try to take a multivitamin every day. for snacks i eat nuts or yogurt or some pieces of chocolate. for lunch and dinner i usually have soup, a turkey or tomato/mozzarella sandwich, sushi rolls, a salad, or sometimes pasta or rice with some vegetables. i drink water all day and usually only drink soda with vodka when i'm out at night. i like soy milk with my cereal every morning and i eat a lot of hummus or oilive oil with bread instead of butter.

there are certain foods that i try to stay away from. when i go grocery shopping, i'm always tempted by the bags of chips or boxes of cookies, but i don't buy them. when i was younger i realized that mayo is bad for you, so i decided that i didn't like it anymore and stopped eating it. i also don't want to eat french fries or pizza often. i don't want myself to get used to eating those things because if i do, then i might gain weight.

i don't really exercise. i've joined a gym the past couple years, but i ended up only going for a month. i hate running - i think it's boring and i don't have the mental motivation for it. and it would take a long time for me to see any difference on my body from running. so for the past 5 months, i've been doing another workout that's for toning and slimming the body called the bar method (i recommend it). it's the first time in my life that i've worked out on my own consistently, and it's really been working and i see a difference, so now i'm obsessed and haven't gone without working out 3 days a week since i started. and for the past 2 1/2 years, i've been living in a city where walking is my main form of transportation. last year i even lived on the 4th floor of a building (with no elevator), so i climbed up and down those stairs many times a day. i like that i have to walk everywhere because it forces me to move and walk at least a mile everyday, which i wouldn't be doing if i drove in a car everywhere. i get scared that if i move out of this city and drive all the time, then i'll gain weight.

i really don't like admitting all of this. i'm not nicole richie or kate bosworth or any of those girls who are bones and have obviously lost a dramatic amount of weight. i've always been naturally thin, but i'm more conscious of it now. and without realizing it, i probably am affected by all of the media that focuses so much on weight - whether it be in the morning news or in the gossip magazines. i'm not trying to be thin like celebrities. i just want to be healthy and look good. and i know that i'm getting older and that my metabolism is going to slow down and that it's going to be harder to maintain my weight. i think that's what scares me the most. that i'm going to lose control of my body's natural progression of getting older. i don't want to gain weight. i don't want to go up a pant size. i want to be proud of my body. i don't want to join the 60% of americans who are overweight. and that's my fear. of being fat.