i moved

i started fixing up this page, and then decided to just move to another site. find me at:

itsaparadox.wordpress.com

i'm still here

hi! so it's obviously been many months since i have posted something here. i thought i was done with blogging. just found other things to do with my time. but, it's the week between christmas and new year's and i have time off from work, which means i actually have some extra time to catch up on tv shows and just relax. i decided to visit my blog and look back at some of my posts from over the year. it's actually pretty cool looking back at what i wrote months ago. it reminded me of people/things/places i haven't thought about for months. and that was enough to motivate myself to get back to writing here. it's been about 4 months from my last post and a lot has happened. here's a little recap:

* in july i moved back to massachusetts after living in nyc for 3 years. when i first moved back, i was living with my parents and didn't have a job.
* after a lot of days spent tanning in the sun, just hanging around and interviewing occasionally, i decided to move out of the suburbs with my parents and into boston. i got an apartment with 2 other girls my age and it's been working out well.
* i moved out and started paying rent before i had a job. i had money saved up to be able to pay rent without a job for a few months, but of course finding a source of income was then made a priority. by the luck of genuine niceness, a client of mine from my previous agency offered to pass my resume along to someone he went to grad school with. he didn't have any direct connections to where i wanted to work, but i was kind of desperate at that point. he kept following up on my resume, which was passed to the person he went to school with to her old boss to his wife to hr at one of the few companies in boston i really wanted to work for. i got called in for an interview and accepted a job only a couple weeks after moving into boston. i'm happy with my job. it's at one of the biggest companies in my industry in boston, it pays more than i was getting last year, and it's not stressful.
* i met a guy at a house party a couple months ago who i've been dating since then. i met him when i totally didn't expect to meet someone. i was just at my friend's having fun, drinking a lot, and even doing a little dancing. him and i were hanging out/making out that night and just having fun. in the haze of the night, i gave him my number, but really didn't think much of it. 2 weeks later, i was out with a friend for some drinks talking about how we've both been single forever, wondering how we could meet a guy when the guy from the party called. i called him back later that night and we ended up going out the next week. he's a really nice guy and fun to be with and it feels good to be with a guy who treats me well and calls when he says he will after all the ridiculous guys i went out with in ny. but now it's been a couple months and i'm not sure what's going to happen. i don't think i'm ready for a relationship, or maybe it's just that i'm not ready for a relationship with him. i don't know. i'm going to see him at the new year's party i'm going to and i'm just gonna see how things go. i'm sure they'll be more on that later.

well that's pretty much what has happened since my last post. moved to an apartment in boston, got a job, met a guy, and have been enjoying hanging out with my friends and family. it's good to be back.

unnaturally caffeinated with a naturally caffeinated drink

iamcaffeinatedup. and i feel like a crazy person. i am a laid-back person, except for those times when my anxiety kicks in - like on a first date, presenting to large groups of people, going to the doctor's, etc. but overall, if i'm just going about my day, i keep calm. i think part of the reason i am so calm is that i am part of the 10% of americans who doesn't drink coffee. i don't like the taste of it and i didn't want to become dependant on it, so i never got into the habit. caffeine is a drug. people become dependant on it. my mom drinks 2 cups of coffee every morning. if she doesn't have her coffee, she gets a major headache. she relies on her coffee in the morning like i rely on my contacts and glasses to see. i don't want to rely on a drink to get through the day.

however, that sometimes works against me, like when i have to be alert in the morning. i am not a morning person. maybe it's because i don't drink coffee. it was ok while i was in school. i don't know how i got up for high school everyday, but i did. although i do know i often drove well over the speed limit to get to class and was sometimes late for the first session of "homeroom" because i couldn't wake up. in college, i was able to choose my class times. there are those people who choose early classes so they could get their classes over with and enjoy the afternoon. i was not one of those people. my school didn't have night classes, but i tried to get the classes that started later in the day, like 1:45 or 3:25. my earliest class was at 9:45 and i definitely remember having a tough time getting up for that. i would often sleep through the class or roll out of bed, go to class, and go back to my room and take a nap. even, in the "real world" at work, my lack of getting-up-in-the-morning ability has been a slight problem. my first job was at a small company and my cube was right outside my boss’s desk. well i would often stroll into work at 9:30, not 9 like i was supposed to. i was spoken to a couple times about needing to come in on time. i would then come in on time for a couple weeks and then revert back to my 9:30 time. at my second job, i was at a bigger company and had my own office down the hall from the rest of my team. in the mornings, i would often sneak in a back hallway, run into my office, and turn on my computer and listen to my vms immediately to catch up on the half hour of morning work that i missed. i was never spoken to about getting in on time. either no one noticed, or they realized that my staying until 6:30 or 7 or 7:30 at night made up for it. is it the lack of caffeine in the morning that makes it a struggle to be on time in the morning? or is it what the band broken social scene sings, "if you always get up late, you'll never be on time?" that's definitely a problem of mine.

but anyway, the other day i was watching the show "get fresh with sara snow" on tlc i think it is. i had never seen the show before, but as i was flipping through the tv guide thing, the info thing summarized the episode with a blurb about an alternative caffeine to coffee. i was interested, so i watched the episode that ended up promoting the drink guayaki. guayaki is a brand of yerba mate tea that is high in antioxidants and is naturally caffeinated. it has less caffeine than coffee and more caffeine than green tea. i started drinking green tea at work to wake me up a little, but i thought i would try out this drink as another alternative. i get really sensitive to caffeine. if i drink coffee, my heart starts racing and i get shaky. so today in the comfort of my home, i decided to try out the raspberry revolution guayaki yerba mate. the taste isn't bad. it has kind of a weird earthy smell and after taste, but i got used to it after a few sips. and the caffeine has definitely kicked in. this morning i did two things that usually take a lot of motivation for me to do: working out and packing. i had the energy and concentration to get through my workout and i packed up my room with minimal breaks. now the things that i could have stretched out all day to complete are out of the way and i could enjoy the rest of the day. now i'm going to finish my tea, walk over to the post office and bank (i got my security deposit back in less than 30 days after moving out - yay! but now i have to send a letter asking for my key deposit money back - blah!), and then drive back up to new hampshire for my last week at that house!

bob marley came on the radio and i thought of him

we worked at a music store together. emptying boxes of cds and alphabetizing them in their bins, ringing up customers on the register, and mostly just hanging around listening to music. it was a fun job. i worked there for two years i think and then i quit senior year of high school, to start a job in an office answering phones or something.

when he found out i was leaving the store, he finally built up the guts to ask me out. i don’t remember at all how he asked me out. i just know that we went out for 6 months, which was a big deal in high school. he lived in another town from me. he was tall, dirty blonde hair, and played the guitar – classical guitar. he really liked bob marley. i bought my second bob marley album while i was with him. we used to listen to “sun is shining” over and over.

valentine’s day was two weeks after we started “going out.” he said he had something planned for the day and i guess i freaked out because i broke up with him over the phone a day before valentine’s day. i later found out he had bought me flowers and was going to bring me out for dinner. i think he was pretty upset over the break up because about a week later he called me. i listened to what he had to say and we got back together.

i can’t remember what we did on our dates. did we go to the movies or dinner? the only “date” i remember was one time when we were watching tv at his house. he turned on the movie the wizard of oz. at the third roar of the lion before the movie started, he turned on pink floyd’s “dark side of the moon.” have you ever done that? some of the lyrics and the sounds of the album match up with what happens in the movie. coincidence? that’s what we were trying to figure out.

i went to his prom. i wore a powder blue cinderella dress. i curled my hair for some reason and i remember his mom said i looked like scarlet o’hara. after the prom, we went back to his house so i could change out of my dress before we went to his friend’s party. we ended up having a major make out session in his room and by the time we got to the party, everyone was already drunk and passed out.

he came to my high school graduation party. it was really hot that day and i had friends and family over. he didn’t really know many people at the party since he lived in another town. i don’t think he stayed long.

i broke up with him just before we went off to college. he was going away to a school in another state and i didn’t want a boyfriend going into college. i think he was upset. not long after i started college, i got an email from him. it didn’t say anything. it just contained an mp3 attachment of “redemption song” by bob marley. i didn’t respond.

while i was in college, maybe during sophomore year, i was visiting my parents and wanted to buy a cd. i went to the music store i/we used to work at. no way did i think he would be there. he went to school in another state. well, he was there. we caught up a little. he was taking a break from school cause “he was partying too much.” that was it. i bought my cd and didn’t see him again.

he was a nice guy. i just didn’t have too much interest in the relationship. i think i was more interested in having a boyfriend and someone to talk to than being with him, as bad as that is. i googled him the other day. he’s around. last month, he played guitar at an event in the town he grew up in. hm.

interim post

so i wrote something earlier today that i was going to post right now. but, i'm a procrastinator. i have a new computer and i've had a trial of microsoft office for the past 30 days. everyday i open microsoft word, it tells me how many days i have left until the trial runs out and i always click "remind me later" instead of "buy now." i knew i would buy the software, but i just kept putting off paying for it. but, right now when i went to use word, it wouldn't let me open it because the trial ran out. so, i just bought it, but i now have to wait a week for it to be delivered.

so for now, i'm going to share something that made me laugh out loud to myself in my car today. it was a sign at a gas station that must have been part gas station/part sandwich shop or something. the sign said:

YOU CAN NOT BEAT OUR MEAT
TASTE IT

i still think it's funny. it's just so random. even if the sign was at a butcher shop i would think it's funny, but the fact that it was at a place that's mainly a gas station made it even more funny.

i have this date that i’m supposed to go on

well, i think it’s a date. he said “we should meet up for lunch or something.” he lives in boston, i’m living 45 minutes outside of the city..kind of. in the 3 weeks i have been in massachusetts, i think i have only been in the state for a total of 7 days. the rest of my time has been in new hampshire, at a nice house with mountain views and a pool. he knows i have been up there, but i don’t think he realizes just how much time i have been spending there. he works near the town i sometimes live in massachusetts. so i think he’s being nice and has suggested we meet up for “lunch or something” out in the suburbs of boston for convenience to both of us.

but for some reason, i am procrastinating on setting up this date..or whatever it is. i want to go out with him. i wanted to go out with him 5 years ago when we knew each other before and i’m so glad he wants to go out with me now. but i’m nervous and i’m not in my comfort zone. i don’t want to go out in the suburbs for lunch during the week in a town i’m not familiar with. i want to go out in the city at night, for some drinks and maybe dinner, and then take a cab home at the end of the night. i want to be busy with a job during the week, happy hours with co-workers and friends, and errands to run after work. and i want to have my own apartment in the city, away from my parents, in a neighborhood i know. that’s my comfort zone. but i’m still looking for a job and i probably won’t be living in the city for at least another month.

so what do i do? i know, it’s simple, just suck it up and meet him for lunch. that’s what my friends say and i’ll admit, that is the most logical thing to do. but what have i been doing? i’ve been procrastinating. he wanted to meet up at the end of last week, but i ended up not staying in massachusetts. i called him on friday and told him i had been in nh the whole week and was staying up there for the weekend. the call went well. he actually picked up and sounded glad that i called, but sounded disappointed that i wasn’t going to be around for the weekend. i told him i have an interview this week and he asked me about it. he actually sounded interested in what i had to say. he sounded glad that i would be returning to massachusetts on sunday and told me to call him when i'm back.

well, it’s lunchtime on monday. i am sitting in massachusetts and am going to drive back up to nh in a half hour or so. i should have called him yesterday, arranged to meet up today for lunch, and then start my drive up north. but, i didn’t. now i am going to call him tonight and tell him i’m not in massachusetts and we will have to put off this “meeting” even more. why am i doing this? i want to go out with him and i don’t want him to think i’m not interested. i don’t usually get this nervous about going out with someone because i know it’s not really a big deal. but i keep putting this off. why?

i'm back!

hello. how are you? it’s been awhile. i haven’t really been too busy to write, but a lot has gone on in the past few weeks and i have been out of my routine. on june 30th, i officially moved out of the city i have lived in for the past 3 years. i am still in shock that i don’t live there. i feel like i’m just taking a little vacation and will be going back to my apartment on e. 74th street soon. but that’s not the case. i am back in new england.

right now, i am between jobs, between houses/apartments, between states, and overall between lives. that’s what i feel like. i feel like i left my life in new york and now i’m waiting for my life in boston to start.

i’m living with my parents right now..kind of. they are between homes themselves. they are currently living in an apartment 45 minutes outside of boston and will move into their new house an hour outside of boston in a couple weeks. their apartment is small for 3 people, so i have been spending time with my sister at their house in new hampshire, which they sold and will be moving out of in august. so, not only am i between apartments of my own, but i am between houses of my parents.

the only thing holding up the next part of my life is a job. i probably should have worked harder at finding a job before i moved back, but i’m not sure that would have helped much. it’s the summer – slow hiring season for the jobs i am looking for. i was stressed out at my last job, so i was looking forward to having some time off, but i’ve calmed down and i’m ready for a job. i have an interview coming up later this week/next week, so that is something to look forward to and i’m supposed to hear about some other jobs from a recruiter this week. so, i'm hoping something happens soon. because once i get a job, i could find an apartment in boston, and get my life started again.

last weekend i went out in boston with some friends - the first time i had hung out with people my age since i moved. i hadn’t seen them for a couple years and i still felt like a visitor to the city, so i was feeling a little off. while we were out that night, i ran into a bunch of people from my college, who i haven’t seen for 3 years? 4 years? one of those people just so happened to be a guy i had a crush on since freshman year. he is the last person i thought i’d run into because when moving back, i actually thought about the possibility of running into him and wondering what would happen. well, we ended up talking most of the night. i don’t really know what i was talking about because i was in shock from running into him and wasn’t really feeling myself all night - but, he ended up asking me out! he wanted to go out this week. but, he lives in boston and i don’t. and i’m so between lives, i’m just not really ready for a date right now. but, i haven’t been on a date forever and i want to make out with someone! i need a job, so i could live in boston and go on this date!

but, i am trying to embrace this time off. it is the summer, so it is nice to not be stuck indoors all day. everyone i talk to who has a job says they're jealous that i don’t have to work. and, do you know what? once i get a job and i’m back to waking up early and paying rent and bills, i’m sure i will wish for this time off too. so, today was a successful day of laying out by the pool, working on my tan, and reading a book. tomorrow? who knows. i have absolutely nothing planned.

i'm done with the city

that it's really. i've lived in nyc for 3 years and i'm just done with it. i've loved living here. i've grown so much and met the most amazing people. and i've seen so much - times square/chrysler building/empire state building at night, softball games in central park, andy warhol paintings at moma, damien rice at radio city music hall, yankee stadium, the transit strike, coney island, mike myers hanging out at a random bar downtown, a mariachi band performing on the 6 train, new yorkers fighting over a parking spot, homemade tzaziki sauce at a store in astoria, anderson cooper speaking at a black tie event at the waldorf astoria, bottle service at clubs in the meatpacking district, $2 pbr at dive bars in alphabet city, rooftop parties with good friends. but it's a different lifestyle here. i miss space and easy access to the mountains, ocean, and city. i miss calmness and relaxation. i miss my family. i miss boston accents.

tomorrow i'm going to give my 2 weeks notice at work and june 30th at 7am, the movers are packing their truck up with everything that has fit into this tiny apartment and are bringing it all back up to massachusetts. it will be a sad day. i'm going to miss my friends here and certain things about new york. but i'm also happy to move back to massachusetts and be near my family and friends again. it is bittersweet.

and to that, i say thank you to new york city for the best years of my life so far. i will miss you.

blasts from the past round 2 (what the heck is up with this?)

seriously. i am moving out of new york at the end of this month. in my 3 years here, i have dated a good amount of guys. out of all the guys i've dated, i would say 3 of them stand out as being the most significant - meaning it would be weird for me to run into them again after our "break-ups." well, a few weeks ago (read the second post down) i ran into one of those guys and had a mini-heart attack. well, tonight i went through the same thing! i had another mini-heart attack after running into another guy i dated 8 months ago. the difference was this time i was around my friends and had them to distract me when my mind went blank and my hands started shaking. and i had already drank a beer, which calmed me down a little.

i got an email today saying today is my friend/old co-worker's bday and people were getting together at a bar for happy hour. i totally thought it was a work thing and the happy hour was going to be with people i used to work with. i haven't seen them forever, so it sounded like a good time. so i went to the bar and sure enough, my old co-workers were there. but then the bday guy introduced us to a friend of his i had never met. and then he introduced us to another friend. and then it dawned on me, that ex #whoknowswhat might show up at the bar!

i met the ex through the bday guy. we would all hang out, at bars always, and drink. and i'd end up going to the ex's apartment for the night. we did that sporadically for maybe 4 months, then i stopped hanging out with our mutual friend and i didn't run into the ex again. until almost a year later when i was hanging out with our mutual friend and he told me the ex was at a bar a couple blocks down watching a cover band of his favorite group. i was a little tipsy, so i decided to text the ex totally randomly saying his favorite group rocks. he texted me back the next day and soon enough, we were dating. we went to dinner, for drinks, etc. and i'd stay over his apartment, he'd stay over mine. i liked him, he's a nice guy and he's cute. he's just quiet, really quiet. i kept going out with him, hoping he'd open up, but it was taking too long and i got bored. but, for some reason i kept going out with him, and kept hooking up with him, until the time we went out and he stayed over and we totally hooked up..if you know what i mean. the next morning, i realized i didn't want to keep going out with him. he wasn't exciting me. he called a few days after that night and i didn't call back. that was it. the end of it. i know, i'm awful. our mutual friend asked why i didn't call him back. i said we just weren't clicking and he was too quiet. he totally understood and was surprised we went out for as long as we did (which was only like 2 months).

so, occasionally i would walk around the ex's neighborhood and my heart would almost drop thinking i saw him on the street, but i was always relieved to realize it wasn't him. until tonight. i was sitting at the bar talking to my friend about what to wear this weekend for her bday party, when i saw him walk into the bar. i had a mini-heart attack. my mind went blank. i wanted to run out of the bar. my hands were shaking. i was glad i had a drink in my hand and i quickly brought it back up to my mouth and drank. i told my friends that he just walked in and that i was freaking out. i told them to keep talking to me, even though i could not concentrate on what they were saying at all. i was freaking out. but i'm an adult, i couldn't just ignore him. i calmed down a little, and when he walked by i stopped him and said hi. surprisingly, it went well. he didn't seem mad at me. he was actually really nice. i told him i'm moving out of new york and we talked about that for a bit. i asked him how his job search is going. we talked for a good amount of time - maybe a solid 15 minutes. for someone who doesn't talk much, he kept the conversation going. i was relieved.

i felt bad for blowing him off so bad. he's a nice guy. i wanted to say something, apologize, but i didn't know how. i didn't really want to go back and rehash the past. i told my friends i wanted to say something to him, but they said not to. to just let it go. so i did. when i left, i said bye to the bday guy and then said bye to the ex. we talked a little, it was kind of awkward. i didn't know what to say, so i told him to let me know if he ever comes up to boston. and i said bye.

i really can't believe that out of the 3 guys i didn't really want to run into again, i have run into 2 of them in the past couple weeks, in the last month that i am living in the city. there is 1 more guy who would be weird to run into, but i wouldn't have a heart attack. i would enjoy that. he made out with his ex-girlfriend in front of me and i bitched him out. i'd actually appreciate seeing him and reminding him what he missed out on. anyway..tonight was yet another crazy night in new york city!

lunchtime inspiration

me: "i'll have an italian salad with the house vinaigrette please."
him: "would you like bread and butter?"
me: "yes, just bread. no butter."
him: "sourdough or 7 grain? what inspires you?"
me: "haha. 7 grain. that inspires me."
him: "have a happy friday!"
me: "thanks, you too!"

blasts from the past

i know this has happened to other people, but i guess now is my time to run into blasts from the past - a.k.a. ex-boyfriends/ex-hook-ups. in a strange set of coincidences, i have recently randomly run into/reconnected with a couple guys i used to date and haven't seen or heard from or thought of for 2+ years.

ex #1

i know my ex worked in the neighborhood i currently work in 2 years ago when we were together. i've had almost-heart attacks a couple times thinking i saw him while walking to the subway, but i've been welcomed with a sign of relief upon realizing it wasn't him. but then, when i least expected it, i saw him. i was ordering a salad at a sandwich shop near my work. i happened to look up while the salad was being made and saw him waiting for a sandwich. my heart dropped. i felt like i was going to pass out. my mind went blank. i could have walked over to the register in the corner of the store to pay for my food and avoid him, but something told me to suck it up and go talk to him. so i walked right over to him while he was paying for his sandwich and tapped him on the shoulder. he looked up, completely not stunned (did he see me first and not come up to me?) and he said, "hey, i thought you moved to boston." (i told people i was moving back last year, so he must have heard it through one of our mutual friends.) my hands were shaking, literally. i was so nervous. he kept looking at my hands. did he notice i was shaking? or was he looking at the ring i had on trying to figure out which finger it was on? i don't really remember much about what we talked about. i hope i made sense. i asked him how work was, he asked me what i was up to. we talked for maybe 5 minutes while i was paying for my food. once i was done paying, we paused, he said he was waiting for a friend and i said i had to get back to the office. i don't remember at all what we said to each other when i left. did i say bye, see you later, good seeing you? i have no idea.

it was good seeing him. he looked the same - his hair was just a little longer. i'm completely over him. i've been over him for over a year. and there weren't any rekindled sparks when i saw him. i'm not really sure why i was so nervous seeing him, but i was. i'm glad i did run into him though. i'm going to be moving out of the city in a few months. he was the first person i clicked with when i moved to the city almost 3 years ago. i don't know how to explain it, but i feel like seeing him again put closure on something i didn't even realize needed closure and was some kind of sign that i really am ready to move away.

ex #2

i went to college with him. we had some classes together, worked on some group projects together, both lived off-campus where i'd see him out at local bars. we were acquaintances. he was always easy to talk to and i thought he was cool, but that's as far as my thoughts went. when i first moved to new york (right before i got together with ex #1), i was getting a sandwich for lunch at work and looked around the deli and saw him eating his lunch (wait, this is weird. what's up with me running into ex's at sandwich shops?). i had no idea he was in new york. i went over to his table and he was completely stunned to see me. we were both new to the city and didn't know too many people, so we exchanged numbers. i met up with him a few weeks later and we ended up having a weird pseudo-relationship that consisted of make-out session sleep-overs, holding hands on the subway platform, and shopping for vintage clothes. i never thought of it as dating. i don't really know what it was, but it was fun and lasted a couple months. then i started dating ex #1 and ex #2 and i lost touch. a little after ex #1 broke up with me, i contacted ex #2 again and found out that he was moving out of state the next day. that was the end of that - almost 2 years ago.

but then, a few weeks ago, i got an email from him. he wanted to know what i was up to, gave me his phone number and told me to call him. i wasn't really motivated to call him. he lives in another state and his myspace profile says he's in a relationship. what did he want? i wrote back a week later and gave him a quick update on my life and said i'd try to call him, not having any intention to actually call him. he said he'd love to chat and told me to call him. another week or two passed and i sent him a text message while i was on the train to boston. he told me to call him soon. why was he being so persistent? we made a phone date - and he called me. it was like we never lost touch. the conversation was so natural. no awkward pauses. laughing. giggling. maybe some flirting. we talked for almost 2 hours. he said he's glad we're back in touch. i agreed. he's coming up to the city this weekend and wanted to meet up, but i'm not going to be around. he invited me to visit him sometime (i looked it up today - he's only a 2 hour train ride away). i told him to let me know when he's back in my area. we agreed to stay in touch.

when i first hung up the phone with him, i thought yeah, we'll never see each other again. we live in different states and i'm moving farther away soon. but then i thought about it more. i felt a spark on my side while talking to him. it's not often that i meet guys who i get along with so well. every time i talk to him, it's natural. maybe there's something there and i shouldn't let the distance get to me. maybe there's nothing there. but how will i know? he's recently single (he needs to update his myspace profile). i'm single. why not see where it goes? maybe i will take the train ride out and visit him one of these weekends. maybe i'll give him a call in a couple weeks and see how the conversation goes. whatever it is, i'm excited about reconnecting with him and i look forward to finding out what's going to happen.

thoughtfulness

work has been crazy. papers and post-it notes all over my desk, phone ringing every 10 minutes, too many unread emails in my inbox. but most people on my team are busy like i am and some are even busier than me. and i feel bad for them. i'm friends with the two guys who are feeling the brunt of the work and i know how frustrated they are. i know that when i left work at 7:30, they still had a whole night of work ahead of them. before i left, i called one of them. i could tell by the tone of his voice when he answered the phone that he was losing patience with the phone calls. i told him i was heading out. he didn't sound too happy to hear what time i was leaving when he still had a good 4 hours left to work. but then i acknowledged that i knew he had a long night ahead of him and i asked him if he wanted me to get him anything (like food, coffee) before i left. i could hear him smiling through the phone. he said no thank you and said it was sweet of me to ask. i knew he totally didn't expect me to acknowledge the fact that he had to stay late and he appreciated my genuine offer and concern about him working the whole night. it made me happy.

my friend's boyfriend's father passed away last week. his father had been sick and was 85, so it wasn't unexpected, but of course it's sad. i don't know my friend's boyfriend too well. i've hung out with him only a handful of times. he lives on the west coast, her and i live on the east, so he's not out here too much. my friend talks about him all the time and i knew what he was going through while his father was sick, so i felt bad and i sent him a sympathy card. i like sending cards to people. i take my time choosing the right card and put thought into what i write in the card. i find it's always hard to find a card for guys because so many of them have pretty flowers or are pink or purple. so i already had that challenge ahead of me when finding a card for the boyfriend. and sympathy cards are hard because you want to find one that says the right thing. well i lucked out and found a sympathy card with a brown and green theme to it with a quote by an author my friend's boyfriend really likes. i was so glad that i found such a perfect card for him in this situation. well today i got a voicemail from the boyfriend thanking me for the card and he said about three times in the message how beautiful the card was. i knew he really appreciated me thinking about him. and that made me happy.

i like being thoughtful. what i like best about it is knowing that i made someone else smile when they didn't expect it. it makes me happy. it's so easy to get caught up in your own life - it's important to take some time and think about others. yeah, i have a lot going on in my life right now, but so do other people. and some of them are going through a lot more than i am. it's important to let those people know you're thinking about them.

what a week

3 of the most stressful days i've ever had at work
45 more stressful days until the commercial i'm working on makes it on-air

6 o'clock on friday and the week is done

2 dollars and 50 cents for a slice of pizza w/ peppers and onions for dinner
13 dollars and 8 cents for a bottle of wine to relax

2 weekend days that i've been looking forward to all week

i'm lazy

i'm a hard-worker and i'm ambitious, but when it comes to the day-to-day - i'm lazy.

i hate washing the dishes. i usually only get around to washing the dishes when i run out of bowls, which usually happens twice a week because i only have 4 bowls. i eat cereal every morning and often need a bowl for pasta or salad for dinner. sometimes when i run out of bowls for cereal in the morning, i eat cereal out of coffee mugs. well, i only have 2 coffee mugs. most times, i'll wash the dishes by the time i get to eating cereal out of coffee mugs, but i have resorted to eating cereal out of my drinking glasses out of extreme laziness.

i also hate putting clothes away. i'm usually good about putting clothes away after i clean them, but when i'm getting ready in the morning or at night and i try on multiple outfits, i pile the clothes on my couch and let the pile build during the week until i have extra time on the weekends to put the clothes away.

i'm always rushing in the morning because i hit snooze too many times, but i hate figuring out what i want to wear the night before. and that's usually a problem because most of my work clothes need to be ironed. but, i'm too lazy in the morning to iron, so i usually end up wearing jeans or dressing more casual than i probably should. one time, i put on a shirt and realized it was wrinkled. i didn't want to take it off again to iron it, so i warmed up the iron and ironed the front of the shirt while i was wearing it.

and lastly, i hate paying bills. not because i don't have the money to pay for them. it's because i hate sitting down, opening the envelopes, and going to my bank's website to pay them. i have had to pay late fees so many times just because it takes me weeks to open my cable bill and when i finally get around to paying it, i realize the due date was a week before.

well, i have a pile of clothes on the couch i'm sitting on, an unopened cable bill on my table, and i have no idea what i'm going to wear tomorrow, but i'm going to continue my laziness and go to bed now.

happy unbirthday to me!

today is my birthday - i'm 25! i can't believe it. this is the first year that i have not wanted to get older. 23 was fun, 24 too. i was young, carefree, just out school, new to a city. now i'm 25.
i know it is young - i'm still the youngest of a lot of my friends, but turning 25 seems like more than just another birthday. i've been working in the same industry and living in the same city for almost 3 years. i feel like i should have some sense of my life at this point. but i don't. what am i really passionate about? what career do i want to pursue? do i want a career? will i ever be ready to commit to being in a relationship? do i want to stay in new york? what do i do with the little money i am saving - travel or save it to buy an apartment or house?

yes, i am a quarter of a century old and i am going through my quarter-life crisis. it started a few months ago when the winter was ending and i realized my birthday was coming. i wasn't excited about turning 25. i didn't have any answers for myself about my life. every week i was coming up with a new job i thought i'd like and i would research it for days. i looked into teaching english abroad, working for a non-profit, teaching in the us, being a copywriter, being a producer, going back to school. in the end, i realized it's not so easy to switch professions and i don't have the motivation to pursue something else right now. i thought about what interests i have and what i feel passionate about. i've always been into music and let that interest slip away from me when in relationships with people who didn't share the same interest. but music makes me happy and so does art and culture and fashion. i want to keep those passions in my life.

so slowly, with the occasional anxiety-filled days, i am getting through my quarter-life crisis. i'm trying to take it a day at a time and not plan so much ahead so i could enjoy my life right now. because i am still young and i don't need the pressure that i am giving myself. i'm single, can afford to pay my rent and still go on the occasional shopping spree, and i have a great set of friends and family. i'm 25! it's still my unbirthday, but i'm thankful for starting another year of my life on a healthy note.

untitled

friends who make me feel better when i'm feeling down
a sentimental card
clothes that look good on me
shoes that don't give me blisters
chocolate cupcakes with vanilla frosting
a sunny spring day
a compliment
laughing and smiling
baked mac & cheese
stretching
angels, stars, and hearts
vodka
pizza with peppers and onions
nice people
the wonder years
audrey hepburn
a lazy tv day
taking a day off from work
the sound of rain
understanding random french words
greek flags
money
the beach
a good hair day
happy hour
6 o'clock on a friday
bob dylan
ben harper
office space
say anything
giving someone a thoughtful gift
people magazine and rolling stone
the bowery ballroom
central park
a good story
how i met your mother
nighttime
sleeping in
my comfortable bed
clear skin
the signature salad from cosi
the sandlot
jim halpert & dwight schrute
junior mints
the museum of modern art
leaving a good tip
pinot grigio
making out
m&ms
damien rice
daisies
roses
yellow tulips in the middle of park avenue
newbury street
harvard square
andy warhol
email from friends
tetris on my cell phone
boxer briefs
itunes
waterfalls
exposed brick walls
........are all things that i like.

questions i asked myself today

what day is it and why isn't it friday?
why didn't i eat dinner last night?
should i call out sick today?
why is he asking me to hang out if he knows i know he has a girlfriend?
what did blake sing on american idol last night?
why is she sending me emails instead of calling me or stopping by my office?
how am i supposed to respond to that?
what soup should i have for lunch?
where is she?
what kind of vitamin water should i get and where should i go to buy it?
should i have one of his oatmeal cookies?
why isn't she responding to my messages?
how the hell are we supposed to get this done in a month?
what is he talking about?
why do i have to go to that?
should i walk or take the bus?
why is it rainy and cold again?
will i get home in time to pick up my laundry?
should i stop at cvs or just go home?
why have i been getting menus under my door the past couple days?
why is this show so boring?
why is she cutting her hair with hedge clippers?
should i have an ice cream?
what day is tomorrow? why isn't it friday?
what should i wear tomorrow?

the sun is shining

on a grassy hill, under the shining sun, the cherry trees are in full bloom, while other trees are just beginning to grow their green buds, not sure if the sun is here to stay after a long, sunless winter.

the sound of a saxophone playing under a nearby bridge projects out onto the hill and the surrounding areas. the calm sound drowns out the sound of the honking horns from the impatient cab drivers driving down the never-ending traffic of 5th avenue.

children are in the park riding bikes, playing catch with their parents, and having fun in their backyard. the city’s backyard – central park.

people are walking their dogs along the grass. it’s the first time since the mild fall days a season ago that the dogs have felt the softness of grass underneath their feet instead of the hard cement of the city’s sidewalks.

couples are walking around the park together holding hands and smiling. they lay on blankets. her head rests on his chest. a kiss on the lips. in love.

a group of girls eager to wear the summer clothes they have been buying the past few cold weekends sit together, gossiping and taking pictures of each other. it’s a sea of brightly colored tube tops, bathing suits, sun dresses, and leggings.

two guys take their shirts off, eager to show off the bodies they have been working on all winter. they kick the soccer ball around and pretend not to notice the girls looking at them.

an older woman enjoys a day outside of her apartment and reads a book on a worn-out blanket that’s been out to the beach and the park too many times.

it’s the first sun-drenched, warm day of the spring season in central park. people are outside, relaxed, and happy. it’s beautiful.

no black horse, but a cherry tree

a couple weekends ago, i was hanging around my apartment on a saturday. i opened the curtains to the two windows in my apartment and among my view of the cement building, brick wall, overcast sky, and the dull browns and grays, i saw beautiful pink and white blooms on a tree directly outside my apartment. it looked like there were pretty tulips growing off the branches of a tree - it was a cherry tree. i loved it. it brightened up the ugly view outside and i caught myself looking out my windows at the tree throughout the day while i was laying around. this is my first spring living in this apartment, so i had no idea the tree outside was a beautiful cherry tree that would bloom in april. it was unexpected. a pleasant surprise.


and that got me thinking about the unexpected - good things that are unexpected. like finding money in your jeans pocket. or thinking you didn't have any chocolate in the house, but finding some you had put in the frig before. like receiving an unexpected text, phone call, im, or email from someone you haven't talked to in awhile whether it be an acquaintance who was nice, an old friend, or someone you went on a date with the week before. or seeing the smile on someone's face when you walk in the room. or receiving a compliment. i like the unexpected. it keeps life interesting. and i'm happy i was unexpectedly surprised by the pretty pink blooms on the cherry tree outside my apartment windows.

what???

i can't believe this. a man who lives among wolves. he eats carcasses and makes out with a wolf. this is not normal. i don't get it, and i'm intrigued. i saw promos for this show yesterday while watching top design or work out or one of those reality shows on bravo. so freaking weird. when i got to work today, i looked the show up on youtube and found the trailer. i brought one co-worker into my office to watch it. he referred to some wolf woman or something who was around years ago and then started asking me if i think they show the guy around the wolves when they're mating. i didn't think of that. i still can't get over him eating off a carcass with the wolves. i forwarded the trailer to 3 of my co-workers and followed-up with them to ask if they watched it. 2 of them did - they thought it was weird, and they probably think i'm weird too. but i don't care. the wolf man makes me laugh. he's a man who lives with wolves! he's really a researcher trying to learn more about wolves. i don't really understand why learning more about wolves will benefit society, but it makes for a good tv show. it's on the national geographic channel, which i don't get, so i have 2 co-workers dvring it for me. i can't wait to watch it.

entertaining characters

i should be in bed right now. i still have a hangover headache from my night last night and i need to rest up for another busy night tomorrow, but i had a very entertaining night tonight and i would like to share:

musicians
what is it about musicians that makes them so hot? tonight i saw the walkmen and the kaiser chiefs perform and both bands were a lot of fun to watch. the walkmen are an unexpectedly preppy alternative/indie rock band. the guys were wearing collared shirts with either a blazer or a sweater. very cute. and in some songs the lead singer would be screaming/singing into the mic. he was so serious about it. i loved it. and the bass player - hot. not sure what he looks like close up, but i had my eyes on him for most of the show. the kaiser chiefs were also very entertaining. their show was rowdier than i expected, especially during the song "i predict a riot" when the crowd was jumping up and down and i thought the group in front of me was going to start a little mosh pit. and again, i don't know if the lead singer is hot close up, but i loved the way he danced around the stage and stood up on the speaker with the light shining behind him. and so cool at the end of one of their last songs when the band was still playing and everyone was cheering and he just stood still, sipping out of a cup, staring at the crowd, taking it all in. awesome.

british people
the kaiser chiefs are a british band, so there were a lot of british people at the show. what is it about the british accent? i was mezmerized. the british girls all sound so nice and the british guys are automatically hotter than the american guys because of their accent.

quirky british guys who might be on drugs
as we were walking out of the show, i noticed a guy with that downtown rocker haircut wearing a black leather jacket and black skinny jeans. he was walking like he was in his own world. completely calm and totally happy (or high?). we had to walk down 3 or 4 stairs to get outside. but this guy didn't want to step down the stairs like everyone else. instead, he decided to slowly slide down the railing to the stairs. i loved it.

sketchy guys at the atm
when i got out of the concert, i had to go to the atm to get cash for a cab home. i don't like going to the atm at night, especially near times square, but since it was near times square, i was at least not alone at the atm. i noticed when i walked in that there were a couple guys suspiciously loitering around in the atm. i didn't look directly at them and put my new yorker guard up. i only took $20 out in case they wanted to mug me. i made the transaction as quickly as i could and headed for the door. as i was walking to the door i kept hearing "miss, miss." did i drop something? i didn't think so and if i did, it wasn't important enough to turn around and give the guy attention. but when i reached the door, the guy came over to me and was blocking my way out. i don't really know what he was saying at first cause i just wanted to get out of there. i think i was saying "please, i'm not interested, let me get out of the door." he let me get out, but continued following me up the street. thank god i was near times square and there were people and cabs around. he kept trying to get my attention, so i looked at him and heard what he had to say as i continued walking. he said he used the same machine i used, but the machine ate his card. he wanted to know if i got my card back or if i got his card back. i told him i got my card back. did i? i hoped so. he asked me if i was sure i got my card back. he wanted me to stop, take out my wallet, and mug me. i think. what else would he be doing? if the machine i used really ate his card he would have told me before i used the machine so it didn't happen to me. i told him i was sure i got my card back and kept walking, hoping he wasn't following me, and jumped into a cab. i think that tops the list for my scariest encounter from a stranger in new york.

all in all, i love people. everyone is different. and i love people who aren't afraid to be different. and i don't mean the people who try to be different because different is cool. i like people who are just quirky and confident. they dress differently, they have their own dance moves, or they choose to slide down a railing instead of stepping down the stairs. thank you to those people who make a fun night out even more entertaining.

hey baby

a girl walks down the street looking straight ahead. a guy walks by her and when she is one step away from walking by him, he says under his breath, "hey baby" or "hey gorgeous" or "good morning baby." why do guys do this? and they're never the cute guys the girls are interested in. they're the sketchy guys on their way to who knows where. what does the guy think is going to happen? does he think the girl is going to turn around and give him a big kiss and take him home with her? i don't get it. the guy always says something when the girl is clearly trying to avoid the guy or when they are passing each other on the street, at that second when you're shoulder to shoulder, so that if the girl was to respond, she would have to turn around immediately to get his attention.

and it's encounters from those guys that makes me thankful i have an ipod. every morning, as soon as i leave my apartment building, i take out my ipod and plug in my music. it blocks out any noise i don't need to hear and it keeps me relaxed on my daily commute to and from work. days i don't have my ipod on, i notice sketchy guys saying things to me under their breath as i walk by and i don't like it. and every girl in the city get this from guys. i even have a friend who sometimes wears her ipod with the sound off, just so she could stay alert and hear what's going on, but not let the guys think she could hear what they say to her. and outside of the city, guys will drive by and yell out of their cars or honk their horns. what are those guys thinking? do they think the girl walking on the sidewalk is going to turn around and flash the guy and jump in the car with him? i just don't get it.

thank goodness for paparazzi

thanks to a slow day at work and the wonderful websites, thesuperficial, perezhilton, and tmz i was able to catch up on celebrity gossip. here are my thoughts on the latest:

*mary kate and ashley olsen are reportedly getting nose jobs. they don't need nose jobs, they need a new stylist and hair dye (especially mary kate, or whichever one has the bleach blonde hair). are celebrities that bored and have that much money that they all need to alter their bodies with surgery? it is such an awful example for young kids now. and it's sad for these celebrities that they need to go under the knife to keep up with the latest trends.

*there is a girl who is on a hunger strike until sanjaya is kicked off american idol. that is the most ridiculous statement i have ever heard of. why is she punishing her body over a tv show? does she really think her strike from eating is going to change howard stern's mind and retract his plea for americans to vote for sanjaya? who is this girl and what is she thinking?

*reese witherspoon and jake gyllenhaal are apparently the newest celebrity couple. what a great couple. i'm glad he's over his kirsten dunst phase and realizes he's hot enough to be with someone like reese witherspoon. i bet he's so cute with kids.

*i don't really like jennifer garner and ben affleck is ok, but their baby is the cutest. she looks like the happiest little baby in every picture. i think it's the dimples.

*the deal for a sex and the city movie has supposedly been signed. i don't know how i feel about that. i'll watch it, but i like that the series didn't have a complete ending. i just hope the movie isn't cheesy and unbelievable.

it's too much

so that guy i went out with spontaneously on sunday (see previous blog) - i'm done with him. right after the date i was ok with giving him another chance and going out with him if he called cause we got along well. but after analyzing the date like all girls do, i wasn't sure if i'd want to go out with him again because i didn't think he was as cute as i thought he'd be and i felt like he would not have too much to..no, it was really because he just wasn't cute enough, i'll admit that. i don't think i'm that superficial, but it is important to be attracted to the person. and sometimes a good personality makes the person more attractive and i just didn't think he had an interesting enough personality to make him more attractive.

well, most of that analysis of the first date was done on monday while i was walking home from work. by the time i got to my street, i decided i'd let him contact me and then i'd decide what i want to do. well, it's now wednesday night and i've already decided i'm not going out with him again. here's why: he has contacted me every day since i went out with him! that is too much.

on monday, when i got into my apartment after work, i had a text message from him, "did you get to work on time?" we joked about how i have a hard time getting to work in the morning and usually sneak in through a back way. so, fine, that was a cute message, but i just got home from work and had stuff to do. i wasn't ready to sit down for a night of text messaging or chatting on the phone. after a couple hours, when i was relaxing watching tv, i wrote back, "haha, i snuck in at my usual time." then he wrote back, "want to come over and watch 24?" yeah, we live 2 minutes away from each other, but he's a stranger as far as i'm concerned. we had only been on one date for a quick dinner - i'm not going to spend time in his apartment at night. so i didn't respond back to that text. then, tuesday i was out with friends for some drinks outside because it was so nice out and i got a text message from him, "what are u up to?" ugh. i wrote back "i'm out with coworkers." he didn't respond. then today, i was walking home from work and i got a text message. oh my god, not again! i looked at my phone - phew, just a text from my mom. so i got home, called my mom, and then worked out. after i worked out, i had a voicemail. guess who it was? yup, he called to see what i was up to.

i'm sorry, but i didn't feel like the chemistry was that great on our date to be in contact every day after it. just because he lives in my neighhborhood and it's easy to meet up doesn't mean i'm going to be more willing to go out with him and bypass the usual dinner and drinks that marks a first, real date. i've completely lost interest. i barely know him and he's checking on me every day. it makes me feel like he doesn't have a life. so i'm not calling him back and hoping i don't randomly run into him again.

unexpected

about a month ago i was out at a bar. at the end of the night i met a guy who i talked to for about 10 minutes and i gave him my number when he asked for it. i wasn't really that into him, but he was good enough and i had nothing else going on. we found out that we live 2 blocks from each other so he said he would call me the next day and we would go for brunch in the neighborhood. he didn't call.

then 3 weeks later i get a text message from him: "hi, it's *his name* i met you a few weekends ago, how are you?" i barely remembered him, but i wrote back and said, "hi, i'm good, how are you?" no response. then a week later, he calls me and leaves a voicemail. the voicemail was good - he sounded normal and not nervous. he just wanted to see what i was up to and apologized for not getting back to me sooner - he was traveling for work. i was going to call him back, but every day that passed made me think more about whether i should call him or not. we barely talked the night we met - why is he bothering to call me a month later? the night i met him he couldn't really talk because he was at the bar with a girl his friends were setting him up with. did he go out with her for a couple weeks and then when she didn't work out, he thought he'd see if i was still around? i didn't like that it took him so long to call me back. i was just unmotivated to return his call, so i didn't.

today i was out running some errands in the neighborhood. while i waited for my pizza to be ready, i went through my text messages in my phone and deleted some. i remember getting to the guy's text messages and deleting them, thinking he's over - now i don't have to worry about myself drunk texting him. then, i get back to my apartment 10 minutes later and notice that i have a text message from a number i don't recognize - it was from him. his text message said "did i just see you at cvs?" i was flipping out. yes, i was just at cvs. where was he? did i make eye contact with him and not even realize it? yeah, he lives nearby, but what are the chances that we would be at cvs at the same time? i always think serendipitous moments like that mean something. there was a reason why we were at the same place at the same time. so i called him back. he wasn't there so i left a message letting him know that he did see me. a few hours later he called me back. apparently he saw me like 3 times while in cvs and i had no clue. then we were standing next to each other while waiting to cross the street. he said he wasn't sure if it was me and he didn't say anything because he didn't want to make a fool of himself if it wasn't me. so we talked on the phone for a good 20 minutes and it was going well. he was easy to talk to and thought i was funny. i told him i'd go out with him and asked him what his schedule is like this week. he asked me if i wanted to meet for a casual dinner at a diner a couple blocks away tonight. i hesitated, but ultimately said i would go.

do you remember the sex and the city episode where carrie first goes out with berger? for days, she had been planning her "date outfit" for their first date. then she sees berger out on the street. he doesn't notice her and she runs around the corner to avoid him. she isn't prepared to go on a date with him - she isn't dressed for a first date. she had the outfit thought out and she didn't want him to see her for the first time in the casual outfit she was wearing at the moment. but then she decides to call him. they meet up for a movie, he jokes about how he wasn't in his date outfit, and they have a good time.

well, that's the same experience i had tonight. i hesitated in going out with the guy on such short notice because i wasn't prepared for a first date. i didn't shower today - i had my hair in a ponytail, didn't have any eye makeup on and was wearing a t-shirt and sweatshirt. he wanted to meet in 15 minutes to get dinner. that was not nearly enough time to shower and pick out a date outfit. so i warned him that i'm not prepared for a date and was looking really casual. he said he didn't care. so i put on some earrings and some eyeliner and mascara and i was out the door. i usually don't let a guy see me look like that until multiple dates later, but i didn't care. if he was ok with how i looked tonight, then i wouldn't have to worry about what he'd think about me after going out a few times dressed up.

good thing he didn't stop me at cvs when he saw me because i would not have recognized him. i thought he had blonde hair, but he had brown hair. and he wasn't really as cute as i thought he was. when i saw him waiting on the corner, i really wasn't sure if it was him. i walked up to him slowly and looked at him hoping he would see me and give me some sign that he was the guy i was supposed to meet. i would hate to walk up to the wrong person and i would hate to admit that i didn't remember what he looked like. luckily he looked up and acknowledged that he was who i was looking for. it was awkward at first as all first dates are, but we quickly got the conversation going and the awkwardness went away.

neither of us were too hungry, but he had a grilled chicken sandwich and i had a fudgy chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream. the conversation was good. i really like it when i could talk naturally with a guy and the conversation flows. i'm an honest, open person and he was too. he explained to me why it took him so long to call me and we talked about the last few people we had dated. i could tell he liked me - he said my random thoughts were funny and cute, he said he would take me out to his share at the beach over the summer (a little ambitious of an invite for a first date), and he was leaning close to me over the table when i was talking. i don't think i was into him as much as he was into me. i wanted to be though. i liked that our conversation was so easy and i felt comfortable with him. but, there were a few things that he said that made me wonder if we had enough in common and i wished that i was more physically attracted to him.

when we left the diner, we had a couple blocks to walk together before i had to cross the street and go off to my apartment. he was walking really close to me. i kind of wanted some space, but it was only two blocks. when we got to the corner, i told him i had to go cross the street. he said we should go out again and i agreed. then came the worst part of a first date - how do we say bye? i hoped that we had the same thing in mind. wave, hug, kiss? what do we do? i just wanted to hug. i wasn't totally into him and it's basically the first time i've met him so no need to rush anything. i think he was thinking differently. when we went to hug, his mouth was facing towards mine. i was not ready for a kiss, so i moved my head a little and he kissed my cheek, which was fine.

it was nice to go on a date and i still think there was a reason why we were in cvs at the same time today. maybe the reason was just that i shouldn't be in my apartment tonight or that i needed chocolate cake. or maybe it's because i'll end up really liking him after a few dates and it will turn into something. i just don't know the reason, so i'll give it another chance and see if anything happens.

something is always going on

something was going on. about a half hour ago i was sitting on my couch watching tv. i heard a plane fly overheard. then i heard another. and another. planes don't fly that often or sound that loud over my apartment, so that made me think they weren't planes going to jfk or laguardia - they were helicopters. i couldn't help but notice them fly overhead for 20 minutes. i looked out of my window 3 times while the helicopters were flying above trying to get a glimpse of them to help me grasp what was going on out there. i don't like hearing a lot of helicopters or police cars go by. i live in new york city. i can't help but wonder what is going on. and honestly, when i heard all of the helicopters tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was a terrorist attack. but why would they attack at 10:30 on a random, rainy night? then i thought, maybe there is a high profile person flying into the city. but why would someone be flying in by my apartment at 10:30 at night? then i heard sirens from a line of police cars. maybe there was a big accident somewhere near by - it's raining and the roads are probably slippery. i flipped through the tv channels - cbs, fox news, cw news, ny1. no special reports. what is going on out there? i wondered. i was kind of nervous, but glad i felt safe in my apartment. i hoped the noise would stop so i could sleep calmly and wasn't kept awake wondering.

then, just as the sound of the helicopters faded away, i saw a clip on one of the local news channels. it was the explanation for all the noise outside my windows: john edwards is in new york. he arrived today shortly after his wife announced that she has cancer. 40 minutes ago, he left an event on 54th and park ave. - a mile away from my apartment. phew, so all the commotion was just john edwards leaving a building and getting into his car. now i can sleep soundly.

where is he?

ugh, dating. as charlotte from sex and the city said, "i've been dating since i was 16, where is he?" i'm trying to think of my first date, hmm. oh yeah, i think i was 15 - i know it was before i could drive. i was an after school ski instructor at the local ski "hill" in my town. i met a guy somehow who was also a ski instructor. i have no idea how we got to talking and how it turned into him driving me home after our classes and going on "dates." i don't even remember what dates we went on. i think we went to the movies. i don't think we went out to dinner. i remember his name, kind of what he looked like - he was tall with dirty blonde hair, he was from another town, a couple years older than me, and wanted to go to villanova. i think we stopped "dating" when the ski season was over. he was my first kiss. at 15. is that old? is that young? i don't know, but almost 10 years of dating later and about 35 guys i've kissed later, i'm so sick of dating and just hooking up.

i didn't really date in college. i was with one guy for a year and then kind of hooked up with other guys for the other 3 years. i didn't really start dating until i moved to new york. i know the best way to meet someone is through a friend. unfortunately, most of my friends are single girls who don't have any guy friends. i have dated a couple guys that i met through my friends, though. i started dating one guy i met through a friend about 6 months after i moved here. we went out for 3 months - the longest i've dated a guy while living here.

other than that, it's been a date or 2 or sometimes 3 with the occassional hook up. most of the guys i've gone out with have been guys i met at bars. we're drunk, or at least buzzed, he buys me a drink, we talk and we're getting along and he's cute enough. he asks for my number and i give it to him. i don't always remember his name when he calls and i hope that i recognize him when we meet up. (one time, the guy and i admitted that we probably wouldn't recongize each other when we met, so he had to clearly explain to me where on the street he was waiting for me. i know, that's bad.) for some reason, i haven't been able to get past 3 dates with a guy i meet at a bar. and that could be attributed to the unspoken "rule" here in new york - the 3 date rule. guys expect to sleep with you by the 3rd date. if you don't, what's the point? they'll just go out to one of the hundreds of bars in the city and meet another girl who will. now, not all guys here follow that, but it's to be expected, especially when dating a guy you meet at a bar. and that's not really a rule i want to follow.

i hate first dates. everytime i go on a first date, i hope that it's my last first date. but, i have to go on dates. i enjoy the company of guys, and the attention, and the affection. i can't get that out of 1, 2, or 3 dates though - it takes time, and i feel like guys here, or at least those my age, aren't interested in anything more than sex. of course, we all want that, but what about being close to someone, being able to talk to and rely on someone, and having someone to enjoy doing nothing with? and once you have that, you have someone to have sex with all the time and not have to go through that first time sleeping with someone awkwardness, which is never good. why aren't guys interested in the more than just sex thing?

so, how am i supposed to meet a guy who wants to get to know me and not just my body? i've talked to people about this, and everyone says you can't be looking for someone, it just happens when you least expect it - and i totally agree, but i have to do something. i'm not going to meet a guy sitting in my apartment. so i've thought about the things i like to do: shopping - not going to meet a guy there, reading - don't want to join a book club, helping kids learn to read - how will i meet a guy doing that?, taking a class in painting or writing - don't know if i'd meet a guy there, but i'm going to do it anyway, live music - i'm going to 3 concerts in the next couple months, so we'll see if i meet someone there. the guys i want to date like sports, which makes it hard for me to meet those guys because i don't like sports - baseball is ok to watch and i can't sit through a football game. and i don't like playing sports - i wish i enjoyed softball because i would love to join a softball team, but i can't catch, throw, or hit. i'm such a girl.

a guy called me last week who i met about a month ago at a bar at 3am. we only talked for like 10 minutes, but i gave him my number. he said he'd call the next day, but i didn't hear from him until 3 weeks later when he texted me to make sure i remembered him, and then when i wrote back, he called me a week later to see if i want to go out. i was impressed that he called me because guys these days rely on texting too much, and i was going to call him back, but i was just feeling unmotivated. i barely remember him and i met him at a bar a month ago. something about that makes me uneasy. if it takes him a month to get around to calling me for a first date, what is it going to be like if we start dating? i haven't been on a date for awhile, so i was tempted, but i don't want to just go back to his apartment. i want something more meaninful. and someone who takes a month to call me for a first date is not someone i want something meaningful with. so i'm not calling him back. he scored points for calling, but it was about a month too late. now what am i supposed to do?

i heard today that a girl i work with who is my age, attractive, and normal when on a date she met on eharmony. she said he was normal and they'll go out again. she had to run to a meeting, so i didn't hear any more than that, but it intrigued me. so tonight i went on eharmony. i filled out the survey, looked at my personality profile, and checked out some of my matches. it's only been about an hour since i finished filling out the survey. i have 7 matches, 3 of them are in the city. the other 4 are from connecticut, new jersey, or upstate. i have a hard enough time dating someone from brooklyn, let alone from new jersey, so i focused on the new york matches. i haven't paid the $60 a month to join (that's a lot of money to try out online dating), so i can't look at pictures and i'm not sure if i could communicate with people yet. out of the new york matches: one guy seems ok - he's 29, works in finance, likes humor and family, one guy is 23 - too young, and the other guy works in a bar and doesn't remember the last book he read - eh, not interested. then there's one guy from connecticut who "requests communication." he's from another state, so that's annoying, but it's a 30 minute train ride away, so it's not the end of the world. he likes sports, music, and family - all good to me. i think i'll communicate back, if i could do that without paying the $60 to join, and see how it goes. meeting someone over the internet makes me really nervous and i'm not sure what type of guy does online dating, but what else am i supposed to do?

where is he?

visual dna

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thanks meg - that was fun!

a good decision

it was time for a change. i knew it, i thought about it, i talked about it, i imagined it. over the years, i have made small changes to my hair style that only those close to me who saw me every day noticed. i parted my hair in the middle, i parted my hair to the side, i had some highlights, i cut it shorter, i grew it longer. no big deal. but i wanted a change. i have an oval face and i think my forehead is too big. for years, i had tried to let some of my hair lay over my forehead, but it was difficult to get that to work - it all depended on how i dried my hair, how wet it was before i dried it, what the weather was like, etc. there were good days and bad days.

so when everyone had the sweeping bangs, i decided to try it out, but it didn't work. my hair just didn't want to cooperate and part like i wanted it to. so for a month i just dealt with a hair style that didn't really work and waited for the side bangs to grow out some. then i got an idea. while looking through fashion magazines i noticed that some models had bangs - not side sweeping bangs, but straight bangs across the forehead. i liked the look. then every morning on my way to work on the bus i noticed a fashion poster at the bus shelter on 72nd and madison that featured a close up shot of a girl wearing a white turtleneck who had bangs. i really liked that haircut and wondered what it would look like on me.

so one day in december i stood in front of the mirror and folded some of my hair back and tried to picture what i would look like with bangs. then i took some scissors and snipped my hair, then i snipped some more, and more, until i had done it - i had cut the hair at the front of my face and created a new hairstyle for myself; i had bangs. i was pretty excited. i thought it looked good and it was something new. at first, it was difficult to get used to it. i wasn't used to feeling anything on my forehead and i was always wondering if my hair was still in place when i walked away from the mirror.

i went into work the next day and many of my coworkers noticed the change. even people i had never talked to before asked if i got a haircut and said they liked it. i know whenever someone gets a haircut, even if it's just a trim, the natural reaction is, "did you get a haircut? it looks good." but i felt like people were being genuine about my haircut, especially when people i had never talked to before were telling me it looked good. i felt pretty happy. i took a picture of myself and sent it to my family. my mom loved it, but that could be because it was the same haircut i had when i was 5 years old when she was in charge of my hair style. then i saw some of my friends and they said i looked different and that my haircut looked great. i went out to bars and random guys complimented me on my haircut. i heard comments like, "i usually don't like bangs, but they look good on you" and "not everyone could pull off wearing bangs, but it works on you." oh well if that was just a "line" from the guys - the fact that they noticed my new haircut was good enough for me.

i really had no idea that my haircut was that big of a deal. i just wanted something different that hid my forehead. i saw the haircut on other people and thought i'd try it out on myself, and i guess it worked. it's been 3 months since i created my new hairstyle and i'm still getting used to it. if it's windy outside and my hair blows around, i still wonder how my bangs look and i'm constantly looking in the mirror on my desk at work to make sure they look ok. and i get irritated with them sometimes. i have to take an extra step every morning when i'm getting ready to straighten them. sometimes i just don't want anything on my forehead and get annoyed by the feeling of the hair resting on my forehead. and i don't know what i'm going to do in the summer when it's hot out and my forehead gets sweaty or i'm tanning and don't want to get a tan line where my bangs are. but the thought of the excruciating process of growing my bangs out is not something i could deal with right now.

i know bangs were a trend over the winter in fashion ads, on runways, and with celebs (think nelly furtado and gwen stefani 2 months ago). i've been wondering if the trend has passed and if my hairstyle is going to become the next chunky shoes or poncho sweaters, but for the past couple weeks i've noticed posters in the subway stations for french connection. i think fcuk is a respectable, fashion-forward company (wish i could afford the clothes). so i was reassured to see that the ads they are running now feature a group of stylish, hip young adults, including some girls with bangs. and the posters i've seen don't just show one girl with bangs. it's more like 4 out of 10 of the girls have bangs - the same hairstyle that i have. that's significant. now i can continue to feel proud of my haircut at least through the spring 2007 season.

let them eat cake!

yesterday i watched the movie marie antoinette and i really liked it. i remember wanting to see it when it was in the theatres, but i didn't. i very rarely spend the $10 to see a movie. they come out on dvd only a few months after they're in the theatre, so i just wait it out and watch them on the comfort of my own couch. i remember hearing mixed reviews when marie antoinette first came out. i mostly remember that critics said it was too modernized and the current music did not fit with the historical setting of the movie, but the modern look and tone of the movie are what i liked best about it.

i thought the movie was a lot of fun to watch. it was really filmed at the castle in versaille where maire antoinette and louis xvi lived. and the castle is beautiful - it's so grand and ornate. i loved thinking about what it was like to live there centuries ago. the entire set was so beautiful to watch. in one of the features on the dvd where sofia coppola was interviewed, she stated that the film set was very girly, and it was. the colors were of pastels, sorbets, and flowery prints. the lighting was bright - inside the castle and out in the fields and gardens. there were scenes full of cupcakes, cookies, candies, and flowers - what girl doesn't love those things? even though the dresses worn over the tight corsets were probably very uncomfortable, i wanted one. like i really wanted one of the dresses, but in the 2007 version.

kirstin dunst plays marie antoinette. usually she annoys me, but she was a good fit in this film. she was believable as a young girl who has been thrown into an adult life that she is not ready for. and i don't know what it is about jason schwartzman, but he cracks me up. he plays louis xvi and as my friend put it, he was a good fit for his role as a man child. the interaction between the characters of kirstin and jason were awkward and uncomfortable at times, but believable. not many words were passed between them, but you understood their feelings about taking on the overwhelming role of king and queen and their feelings about being together.

marie antoinette: so, i hear you make keys for a hobby?

louis xvi: yes.

marie antoinette:...and do you enjoy making keys?

louis xvi: obviously.

after watching this film, i think sofia coppola is amazing. i have respect for directors in general, but it's even more impressive that she is a female director. i loved that she made the film fun to watch through the elaborate, colorful sets and the modern music, but also managed to tell the story from marie antoinette's point of view. the movie did leave me wanting more, but as she stated in an interview on the dvd, the story of marie antoinette is complex and difficult to thoroughly tell in a movie. luckily i have the biography of marie antoinette by antonia fraser, which sofia loosely based the movie on. i will soon read the book and learn more about the full story of marie antoinette while picturing the vibrant movie set in my head.

my sister

we share the same mannerisms and people say we look like twins.
we're sisters.

my sister is two years younger than me. when people find out that i have a sister who is close to my age, i’m asked if we are close. i usually respond by saying, “yeah, i guess.” growing up, living in the same house, my sister and i were close. when we were young, my mom dressed us in the same clothes, we had the same neighborhood friends, and we went to the same summer camp. but, we would fight occasionally like all sisters do. at first, we would get into fights over who got to play with the better barbie doll, and when we became teenagers, we would fight over borrowing each other’s clothes. but in between those petty fights, we were good friends and looked up to each other.

like most sisters, our friendship has gone through stages as we have grown older. we first grew apart when she was in middle school and i was in high school. my sister was always the more outgoing one. she had a lot of friends in middle school/high school, excelled in every sport she played, and always kept herself busy. i was more shy in middle school/high school and excelled more in academics than in sports. we got into fights a lot at that stage of our lives when we were coming into our own and were not yet mature enough to accept that fact that we are different.

when i went off to college and my sister was still in high school, our relationship changed. we had more respect and appreciation for each other and we missed that we weren’t living in the same house anymore. we talked on the phone, she visited me in college, and i saw her when i went home. i think what brought us close to each other during that time is that we were both in serious relationships. we were both going through a similar experience together and supported each other.

but then, we went through another critical phase in our relationship. i was finishing college and my sister was entering it. i wanted to be the older sister who could give her advice based on what i went through. but my sister didn’t need my help. she wanted to figure things out on her own, just like i did. she didn’t want to be treated differently because she is younger. we didn’t really get along well during that time. i wanted to help her and she didn’t want to hear it. she acted like she knew everything and didn’t need my advice.

now i am living in new york while she is finishing college. we have busy schedules, so we usually talk on the phone every few weeks. we definitely have a bond where we could go without talking for weeks, but catch up on each other’s lives quickly. when my sister was learning how to talk, i was always the one in the family who could understand her. and still today, i am the one in the family who understands her the best. she could randomly jump from subject to subject while talking, and i’ll be able to follow along.

recently we have become closer even though we are still opposite in many ways. i’m a city girl and she’s a country girl. we’re both outgoing and confident, but in different ways. i like going out for drinks and dinner with my friends. my sister likes staying in for drinks and movies with her friends. my sister is athletic – she plays and coaches field hockey, lacrosse, basketball. i’m more creative – i like reading and writing and art. but we’re sisters. we’re not sisters who tell each other everything, but we are always there for each other, and it’s nice. i miss living near her and wonder if we would be closer if we lived near each other now that we are independent adults.

this week my sister is coming to visit me. she has only been to new york once before, last winter, on a visit with my parents. this time she is coming on her own. i’m taking three days off from work, so we’ll have four days to catch up and spend time together in the city that’s been a part of my life for almost three years. i’ll show her the sights – empire state building, times square, chrysler building. we have tickets for the nbc studio tour and for rent on broadway. and we’ll go out like i normally do to local bars, restaurants, and shopping. i’m glad she is coming to visit and that i have my sister as a friend.

self expression

i like chocolate

i hate
waking up early

i wish i was b-i-l-i-n-g-u-a-l

i hope my family stays +healthy+

i could do 10 girl push ups in a row

i should volunteer my _time/_

i would take a class if they weren't so expen$ive

i do wear contacts

i don't have a boyfriend <3

i always br ea th e

i never stop thinking:gniknith

temporary new yorker

there are a few reasons why i wouldn't settle down permanently in new york city:

1. cost of living: it's expensive. yeah, salaries are higher in new york relative to other parts of the country, but it doesn't justify the high cost of living. first, there's the food - i read that entrees at the outback are $4 more in manhattan, than they are in queens. and queens is part of new york city, so the price difference is probably even higher compared to a restaurant outside of nyc. today i bought a sandwich - salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato for $7.35. yogurt costs $1.10. cereal costs around $6. then there's rent - when i lived in boston 2 1/2 years ago, i paid $600 for my half of the rent in a spacious 2 bedroom apartment, so it was $1200 total for the apartment. now i pay more than that for a 350 square foot studio apartment that hasn't been renovated for many years. and then there's the cost of owning a place. i read an article recently about the price of apartments in the city. the article featured a woman who bought a 470 square foot, newly renovated apartment in downtown manhattan for $570,000. that is nuts. finally, there's the cost of transportation. most people don't own a car because you don't need it and it's expensive. i don't even know how much car insurance costs in the city, but i remember my friend parked her car in the parking garage across the street from me overnight for $65. cab fares start at $2.50 and if you travel during rush hour it's $1 extra and when you travel between 8PM and 6AM it's $.50 extra. one trip on a subway costs $2.

2. my family: this has nothing to do with new york, but i wouldn't want to live here permanently because i'm too far from my family. i'm really close to them and i don't want to always need to plan ahead and take a 3 1/2 hour train ride or hour plane ride to see them. i miss being able to drive 40 minutes whenever i want to see them.

3. nature: you have to leave the city to see nature. there are some tree-lined streets, but you don't even notice when the skimpy trees leaves change color. the only way to see foliage is from walking through central park, but it's usually too cold to do that in october/november. and the first thing i always notice when i'm outside of the city at night is the stars. because of all the lights in the city, the stars in the sky are not visible. i miss stars. i think the skyline is beautiful and i love looking at the buildings, but it's not something i want to be looking at forever. the buildings stay the same, but nature changes every season.

3. space: space doesn't exist in manhattan. apartments are tiny, restaurants and bars are crowded and small, the subways are always packed with people, traffic is an everyday occurrence - in the street for cars and on the sidewalks for people. that's why central park is my favorite place in the city. there is plenty of space and it's quiet and relaxing. and just about every weekend i am reminded of the lack of space when my neighbors have some friends over and throw a party (which they are doing now). i think the kids in the apartment throw a party whenever their parents are away. at least when you throw a party in a suburb where the houses are big and there is space in between them, your neighbors don't know when you have 5 friends over. that's not the story here - my neighbors right now probably have about 5 people over. they have big windows in their apartment with no curtains, so i can see inside their apartment and they have a little "yard" outside that they are hanging out in now. i heard them singing for an hour tonight in their apartment and now i hear every word of their conversation while they are standing outside. i hear them along with the people in the at least 50 other apartments overlooking theirs. i wouldn't want to live in a fishbowl.

tangled up in blue

you, your friend, our mutual friend. i met your friend through our mutual friend. your friend made me laugh and he had an accent. i liked him. i was out with our mutual friend and told him i liked your friend. our mutual friend and i met up with your friend at a bar. my friend made out with your friend. i was upset. you were there too. i met you that night. our mutual friend told me you’re a nice guy. i talked to you, but i liked your friend.

weekends went by. you, your friend, our mutual friend and i had drinks together. a lot of drinks. frequently. one night, after you and our mutual friend left, your friend and i stayed at the bar. we finished our drinks. then we were ready to leave. i put on my coat. your friend leaned in, and kissed me. christmas was in a few days. i went back to your friend’s apartment. we made out in his bed and then fell asleep. i left in the morning and told your friend to call me when he got back from the holidays. he didn’t call.

weeks went by. i hung out at a bar with you, your friend, and our mutual friend. your friend was different. he didn’t really talk to me. you did, but i still liked your friend.

the four of us went out again. the next day our mutual friend told me that you liked me. i was interested.

the nights of drinking continued. i was out with you, your friend, and our mutual friend. you and i talked more that night. i went back to your apartment. we made out on your couch and in your bed. we fell asleep and i left the next morning. i didn’t care if you called me, it was just fun.

it was a blizzard outside, literally. you called me and invited me to a party you helped plan. i went to the party with our mutual friend and met you there. your friend was there too, but i didn’t really like him anymore. you barely talked to me all night. i was a little annoyed. your friends left the party and it was just us. it was still a blizzard outside. i went back to your apartment. we made out and then fell asleep. the next morning i woke up and looked outside. it was still snowing. i needed to get home. i walked outside, into the deep snow – more than a foot. i had to walk to the subway. it took too long. the snow was deep. it was cold. i was hungover. it was the worst walk of shame.

you didn’t call me. i didn’t really care. months went by. 6 months to be exact.

i was out with our mutual friend. he told me you and your friend were at a bar a few blocks away. i sent you a text message. you wrote back the next day. we made plans to meet up.

i didn’t know if it was going to be a date. we had only hung out with your friends, so i thought they would be there. but they weren’t – it was a date. we had some drinks. it was awkward. we didn’t have much to talk about. i tried to start conversations, but you didn’t talk much. it was a boring date and i was tired. we went back to your apartment. we made out, then fell asleep. i stayed around a little in the morning, and played with your cat, but we didn’t say much to each other. i was sure you wouldn’t call me.

but on wednesday, i had a voicemail from you. we went out again a few weeks later. this time it was a real date – bottle of wine, appetizer, entrée, dessert. it was nice. you talked more. i liked you more. i went back to your apartment. we made out, fell asleep, i left in the morning.

a couple weeks went by. i was out with my friend and sent you a text message. you were at a bar nearby. we met up with you. it was awkward – you’re so quiet. my friend got a cab and left. i got in a cab and left. i could tell you were disappointed that you were going back to your apartment alone that night.

we met up the next weekend. this time for a comedy show. it was my idea. we didn’t need to talk much. it was good. you came back to my apartment, we did more than make out. it was ok. you left in the morning.

you called the next week. i didn’t call back. our mutual friend asked me why i didn’t return your call. i told him we didn’t click. you and i had nothing to talk about. he wasn’t surprised.