mom's intuition

i love my mom. she's my best friend, my voice of reason. she knows me better than i know myself. from listening to me stress and complain about my job and from listening to me wonder why a guy hasn't called me, she was able to tell me exactly why i've been so down lately and it was completely right. i didn't even know it at the time, but it was totally true. right now i don't like my job, i don't like the dating scene in new york, and i wish i had a better apartment. my mom reminded me that all my life i have been looking forward to the future instead of being happy with the present. in high school, i couldn't wait to get to college. in college, i couldn't wait to work. at my last job, i couldn't wait until i could get a new job.

my mom also reminded me that every winter since i've moved to new york (this is my 3rd winter here) i get into this mood. i get upset because i don't like my job, i'm not dating anyone, and i miss my family. i'm frustrated with new york. i love it here, but it's new york. everything about it is competitive. it's competition getting a job, an apartment, a boyfriend, a seat on the subway. everyone is so intense. they're focused on their work and being successful and making money. i'm ambitous, but i'm laid-back. i don't need to be the best, i just need to do well and be happy. i know i'm not going to settle in new york. i'll go back to boston. someday.

my mom said the reason for all my recent complaining is because i'm unsettled and i haven't found myself yet. when she said the word "unsettled," i started to cry. she was so right. i am unsettled. a different job or better apartment or boyfriend won't make me feel better next winter. it's my location. i'm by myself in new york. i have great friends here, but most of them have their families around. and i don't and that makes me sad. my parents, my sister, my aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends - they're all in the boston area. and i miss having those people around when i'm not feeling well or when my friends aren't around. until i'm back in boston around those people and in the city i know i want to be in, i'm going to feel unsettled with my life.

and i want to feel settled. i want to live in an apartment for more than one year, which i haven't done since i moved out of my parent's house 7 years ago. i want to be near my family again. i want to be back in boston, but i don't know when. right now, today, i'm ready to move back. but when the weather is nice and i'm sitting in central park, i won't want to move back. i keep thinking that i'll grow out of new york someday and then i'll be ready to move back. almost like i'll wake up one day and realize that i am done with this city, but it's not that easy. i have good days and bad days. luckily i do have more good days here, but i don't like having the bad days. and moving isn't easy. it means leaving my friends here, packing again, starting a new job again and finding an apartment again. and my biggest worry is that i'll move back to boston and miss new york and be unhappy. i have a great social life here and i worry i won't have that in boston.

but there's nothing i can do now. my lease on my apartment ends in september, so i have to wait until then to make my decision. i told my mom that i don't want to be forced to make a decision based on my lease because it's always over the winter that i want to move and the summer that i love being in new york. she said that if i feel that way, then that means i'm not ready to move back. she told me to remember how i'm feeling today and if i'm feeling like this over the summer, then i'll know i'm ready to move back to boston. so i'll see how the summer goes. because my mom is right.